London

What is London?”

An achieved dream.

I’ve dreamt of stepping on these foreign grounds ever since I could remember, and now, it’s exactly that. An achieved dream. Don’t get me wrong, it’s not that I’m not ecstatic, not that I’m not grateful, not that I’m not happy.

I am. I am. I am.

But also, it’s different. In all honesty, it's been such a long and arduous journey. Those sleepless nights, those hectic schedules of waking up at 5 am and arriving home at 8, exhausted beyond words, homework-bound. Those hospital visits that frequented so much especially in my senior year, those painful, excruciatingly painful, lonely episodes. Pushing through all that, wading, crawling, surviving, breathing, surviving, repeat.

That now, I’m finally here. I’m just barely starting my life. I’m living alone. I’m in this new place. I’m schedule-free. I’m at a loss.

And it’s only the beginning.

I’m living alone and there’s no one I know in this building. I’m one of 2 Malaysians in my course (not that that mattered much). All my closest confidants are busy chasing their dreams outside London. 

I guess it takes the presence of time for you to actually figure out the absences in your life. I’ve lived a rushed life for so long I forgot what it felt like to have air filling up your lungs so fully; not having to catch your breath in between running to different practices. I forgot what it felt like to have so much time in my hands; I don’t know what to do with it. I forgot what it felt like to actually be able to sleep, that I can’t sleep. I kept waking up at odd hours of the night, waking up every 30 minutes, feeling like I’ve slept for hours. Its 2.24 am as I’m writing this and I am far from being sleepy. 

You see, it’s a problem. I don’t know how to have some me time, and to be frank, I don’t think I like having nothing to do. 

“Then join the uni clubs! Go partying! Go live life!”

What does that even mean. I’m also here stuck wanting to do something that means something, not just do anything.

I guess point of the story is, anyone can feel overwhelmed. You might be overwhelmed by the sudden hecticness of adapting, of trying every possible new thing, you could even be overwhelmed by the mundane-ness of things, of having things fall exactly as planned for once in your life. God, you might be overwhelmed by things completely contradictory to everyone else, but that doesn’t stop you from feeling what you’re feeling. I’ve always been independent, and I’ve never been the clingy type, but man, no amount of living in boarding schools prepare you for anything like this.

And that is okay.

Take time to figure yourself out. Take time to tear yourself apart and fit the pieces of puzzle back, take a step back and realise how far you’ve come, take time to absorb the fact that you might see a different picture altogether. Take time to mourn the sacrifices you’ve made, but be proud that you’ve made them. Take time to revisit those bridges you've let to rot whilst you were busy chasing your dreams. Take time to thank all the people in your life, and appreciate them even more. Take time to breathe the different, colder air, and count your blessings everyday.

So, what is London?

London is the sound of crumpled leaves that shatter into dust-like pieces under your steps, it’s the cold cold air and harsh winds, it’s the smell of tobacco on the streets, it’s the small wave you make to that old, kind Italian restaurant owner every morning on your way to school, it’s that cup of tea you sip whilst gazing into the dark skies at 6 in the evening, it’s that intoxicating loneliness at 7 pm when all you want to do is call home and you realise you can’t due to the time difference, it’s those long long walks, and quite often, alone. It’s watching a street quartet at Covent Garden on a Sunday evening, it’s getting lost and discovering hidden gems you never would’ve come across otherwise, it's taking an impromptu bus with your friend to see what London Bridge looks like at 2 am, it’s learning how to use public transportations, it’s finding your own house, settling your council tax papers, paying your own bills. It’s finding happiness in all the small things in life, be it the smile of that child who just ran past you or the warmth that spreads through your heart when you see an old couple roam the streets, holding hands, that stable love so enviously permanent in their eyes. 

London is not quite yet home. But give it time, take baby steps, take on one day at a time. 

Buy that pot of carnations and place it on your windowsill, buy that pair of chopsticks that took 30 mins to travel to, decorate your room if you want to, catch up on all those good classic movies, listen to some good music, get a good book and get lost in it.

London is not quite yet home.

But soon it will be.

Photo by Luke Stackpoole on Unsplash